Die Schöpfung

Die Schöpfungsgeschichte. Der Anfang der Bibel. Neu erzählt, variiert oder parodiert.

God Shuffled His Feet
After seven days
He was quite tired, so God said:
“Let there be a day
Just for picnics, with wine and bread.”
He gathered up some people he had made
Created blankets and laid back in the shade.

The people sipped their wine
And what with God there, they asked him questions
Like: Do you have to eat
Or get your hair cut in heaven?
And if your eye got poked out in this life
Would it be waiting up in heaven with your wife?

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him.

So he said: “Once there was a boy
Who woke up with blue hair.
To him it was a joy
Until he ran out into the warm air.
He thought of how his friends would come to see;
And would they laugh, or had he got some strange disease?”

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him.

The people sat waiting
Out on their blankets in the garden.
But God said nothing.
So someone asked him: “I beg your pardon:
I’m not quite clear about what you just spoke.
Was that a parable, or a very subtle joke?”

God shuffled his feet and glanced around at them;
The people cleared their throats and stared right back at him.
© Brad Roberts

Wie es wirklich war
Im Anfang schuf Gott erst mal gar nichts. „Dafür ist auch morgen noch Zeit“, sprach er und strich sich zufrieden über den Bart.
Am zweiten Tag sprach Gott: „Ach, es sind ja noch fünf Tage übrig“, und sank wieder in die Kissen.
Am dritten Tag wollte Gott schon anfangen, das Licht von der Finsternis zu scheiden, aber kaum hatte er sich auch nur einen Kaffee gekocht, war der Tag irgendwie schon vorbei.
Am vierten Tag dachte Gott ernsthaft darüber nach, jemand anderen die ganze mühsame Schöpfungsarbeit machen zu lassen. Aber es war ja noch niemand da.
Am fünften Tag hatte Gott andere Dinge zu erledigen, die viel dringender waren.
Am sechsten Tag überlegte Gott, ob es wohl möglich war, sich irgendwie aus der Affäre zu ziehen. Es fiel ihm aber nichts Rechtes ein. Schließlich war er allmächtig, was die meisten Ausreden irgendwie unglaubhaft wirken lässt.
Am Sonntag um fünf vor zwölf schließlich schluderte Gott hastig irgendwas hin: Wasser, Erde, Tag, Nacht, Tiere, Zeugs. Dann betrachtete er sein Werk und sah, dass es so lala war. „Aber für nur fünf Minuten“, sagte er, „gar nicht so schlecht!“
© Kathrin Passig, Sascha Lobo

Aus der Sicht des Dachses
People often ask, as an idle question, whether the process of evolution began with the chicken or the egg. Was there an egg out of which the first chicken came, or did a chicken lay the first egg? I am in a position to say that the first thing created was the egg.
When God had manufactured all the eggs out of which the fishes and the serpents and the birds and the mammals and even the duck-billed platypus would eventually emerge, He called the embryos before him, and saw that they were good.
Perhaps I ought to explain, added the badger, lowering his papers nervously and looking at Wart over the top of them, that all embryos look very much the same. They are what you are before you are born – and, whether you are going to be a tadpole or a peacock or a cameleopard or a man, when you are an embryo you just look like a peculiarly repulsive and helpless human being. I continue as follows:
The embryos stood in front of God, with their feeble hands clasped politely over their stomachs and their heavy heads hanging down respectfully, and God addressed them.
He said: “Now, you embryos, here you are, all looking exactly the same, and We are going to give you the choice of what you want to be. When you grow up you will get bigger anyway, but We are pleased to grant you another gift as well. You may alter any parts of yourselves into anything which you think will be useful to you in later life. For instance, at the moment you cannot dig. Anybody who would like to turn his hands into a pair of spades or garden forks is allowed to do so. Or, to put it another way, at present you can only use your mouths for eating. Anybody who would like to use his mouth as an offensive weapon, can change it by asking and be a corkindrill or sabre-toothed tiger. Now then, step up and choose your tools, but remember that what you choose you will grow into, and will have to stick to.”
All the embryos thought the matter over politely, and then, one by one, they stepped up before the eternal throne. They were allowed two or three specializations, so that some chose to use their arms as flying machines and their mouths as weapons, or crackers, or drillers, or spoons, while others selected to use their bodies as boats and their hands as oars. We badgers thought very hard and decided to ask for three boons. We wanted to change our skins for shields, our mouths for weapons and our arms for garden forks. These boons were granted. Everybody specialized in one way or another, and some of us in very queer ones. For instance, one of the desert lizards decided to swap his whole body for blotting-paper, and one of the toads who lived in the drouthy antipodes decided simply to be a water-bottle.
The asking and granting took up two long days–they were the fifth and sixth, so far as I remember–and at the very end of the sixth day, just before it was time to knock off for Sunday, they had got through all the little embryos except one. This embryo was Man.
“Well, Our little man,” said God. ‘You have waited till the last, and slept on your decision, and We are sure you have been thinking hard all the time. What can We do for you?’
“Please God,” said the embryo, “I think that You made me in the shape which I now have for reasons best known to Yourselves, and that it would be rude to change. If I am to have my choice I will stay as I am. I will not alter any of the parts which You gave me, for other and doubtless inferior tools, and I will stay a defenceless embryo all my life, doing my best to make myself a few feeble implements out of the wood, iron and the other materials which You have seen fit to put before me. If I want a boat I will try to construct it out of trees, and if I want to fly, I will put together a chariot to do it for me. Probably I have been very silly in refusing to take advantage of Your kind offer, but I have done my very best to think it over carefully, and now hope that the feeble decision of this small innocent will find favour with Yourselves.”
“Well done,” exclaimed the Creator in delighted tones. “Here, all you embryos, come here with your beaks and whatnots to look upon Our first Man. He is the only one who has guessed Our riddle, out of all of you, and We have great pleasure in conferring upon him the Order of Dominion over the Fowls of the Air, and the Beasts of the Earth, and the Fishes of the Sea. Now let the rest of you get along, and love and multiply, for it is time to knock off for the week-end. As for you, Man, you will be a naked tool all your life, though a user of tools. You will look like an embryo till they bury you, but all the others will be embryos before your might. Eternally undeveloped, you will always remain potential in Our image, able to see some of Our sorrows and to feel some of Our joys. We are partly sorry for you, Man, but partly hopeful. Run along then, and do your best. And listen, Man, before you go . . .”
“Well?” asked Adam, turning back from his dismissal.
“We were only going to say,” said God shyly, twisting Their hands together. “Well, We were just going to say, God bless you.
© T.H. White, The Once and Future King, London 1996, S.191-193

Die göttliche Nudel
Am ersten Tag erschuf das FSM das Licht und die Dunkelheit. Das Licht wurde Tag genannt, die Dunkelheit Nacht oder Beste Sendezeit.
Am zweiten Tag schuf das FSM Land, um das Wasser zu teilen, und nannte es Firmament. Auf dem Land erschuf es einen Vulkan, der Bier spuckte, und trank einiges davon.
Am dritten Tag wusste das FSM nicht mehr so genau, was es am zweiten Tag getan hatte, deshalb schuf es nochmal Land, um das Wasser zu teilen, und nannte es Erde. Als es sein Werk vom Vortag bemerkte, hob das FSM das Firmament über die Erde und benannte es in Himmel um. Weiterhin erschuf das FSM allerlei Pflanzen, vor allem Getreide, aus dem sich Mahlzeiten formen ließen, die seinen nudeligen Fortsätzen ähnlich sahen.
Das FSM teilte am vierten Tag das Licht von Tag Eins in zwei Lichter, eines für den Tag und eines für die Nacht. Da ihm die Teilung nicht ganz sauber gelang, gerieten einige Splitter in den Himmel, die es Sterne nannte.
Am fünften Tag schuf das FSM einiges Getier, das fortan in, auf und über der Erde lebte. Unter anderem die Kuh, den Bic Mac und das Dönertier. Und weil es so stolz auf sich war, legte das FSM anschließend eine ausgiebige Pause am Biervulkan ein. Später bemerkte es, dass es in seiner Trunkenheit im Himmel eine Stripperfabrik und auf der Erde einen Zwerg geschaffen hatte. Den Zwerg nannte es Mann. Am späten Abend rollte das FSM aus seinem Bett und knallte auf das Firmament. Dieses Ereignis wird Urknall genannt. Völlig geschafft von dem ereignisreichen Tag erklärte das FSM den Freitag zu einem heiligen Feiertag und erholte sich erstmal eine Weile von der ganzen Schöpferei.
Weil der Zwerg so verdammt nervig war, erschuf das FSM bald eine Frau und sprach zu dem Zwerg: „Von nun an soll ein Mann sich mit einer Frau vereinen“. Bei sich dachte es: Das wird bestimmt interessant. Und so war es auch.
© Kirche des Fliegenden Spaghettimonsters

Let it dough!

In the beginning, I created the heavens and the earth…